What Will Transpire?

Any time I have some space and time between things that require focus, which I have a lot of these days, my mind tends to jump onto one or two favorite “worry paths.” These are well worn, habitually repeating topics of concern that my brain has assigned go-to status in case the problem of not having a problem happens to arise.

When things are quiet, when nothing is wrong, when there is no problem, the itch starts. “Ah-ha!” it says, “we need a problem here, let’s see….” and off I go down the path that is closest to the surface at the moment. If I’m paying attention, I notice it happening and can usually steer myself clear of a full-on worry session. But if I’m tired, or out of sorts in any way, I can wear a real groove in that path.  On that path, the what ifs and how abouts and if onlys build on one another and in no time I have a complete crisis manufactured along with all the things I should do NOW along with a narrative about what’s wrong with me that I would allow this things that’s not actually happening to even happen.

One day, while meditating, I caught myself traipsing around on one of those paths. As soon as I noticed it, it wasn’t so captivating. And then it happened again a few minutes later, and as I brought my awareness to it, I had the vision of an infinite loop, a ‘figure 8” of thought that I could (and do) run along forever and never get anywhere. Up and back and around and down. Looping and looping and looping.

But the thing about an infinite loop is that it has a center point, where all the energy is narrowed and concentrated. (Physics might say differently but no one has ever counted on me for my scientific knowledge, so please don’t start now.) I don’t know if that’s where the loop “starts” or “stops” or what, but it seems like an where I am but busy working and worrying away at it. But when I notice it and my attention zeros in, I can get to that center point and pause, maybe even make a different choice. Because that loop isn’t the only loop there is. That path isn’t the only path. At the center of it is an infinite number of possible paths, a garden of choices with plenty of fertile ground for play and learning.