What Will Transpire?

There are days I forget. Days I still wake up and it takes me a while to remember that my to do list is my own. While this respite didn’t come in a way that I approve of, I admit that it was needed. I was ground down and burned out. Running on fumes and grit and the belief that I was doing what needed to be done to contribute and be of value. And I would have kept going, because it’s what we’re taught to do. Work hard, give more, earn it. Grind, grind, grind.

Time without grind is strange. Learning to slow, allowing rest felt like a monumental task at first to a mind so finely tuned to the frequency of performance. My default mode network is starting to shift and slow, but it doesn’t take much to trigger the shift back to grind mind – hyper vigilance, anxiety, problem solving, and performance.

Performance orientation is designed for the satisfaction, and therefore judgment, of others. But no matter how good it was, my performance never resulted in peace. At least not for me. Peace is naturally what we are wired to seek, I believe. It provides a place for our energy to settle and regenerate so that we have the reserves to support us when we need it.

But instead of accepting it as our natural state, one we return to time and again, the place of balance and groundedness that gives us the foundation for conscious action, we feel we have to earn the right to peace. In many cases, that means grinding to the point of collapse and calling that peace. We’ve all heard of people working themselves to death. I suppose that’s one way to get and stay grounded. But who does that serve? I’m just going to leave that question there…

I am far from grounded most of the time. In fact, I often feel as if I’m wandering in the wilderness without any sense of direction or clue where I’m going. Lost, yes, but also not lost. The moments of groundedness I do experience give me hope and remind me that the gravity of the earth and its ability to hold us is greater than the gravity of our current situation, even if it feels otherwise.