What Will Transpire?

I’m guessing most of us who have recently lost jobs, livelihoods, careers, and professional identities have been asked “what are you going to do now?” by many well-intentioned people. When I say that I don’t know and that I need to sit with this for a while, they seem to understand.

But it’s an uncomfortable admission for many reasons, partially because I know it’s a luxury that some can’t afford, and also because I have been numbing myself by doing, believing that doing somehow gives me control. Over the past few weeks, I have watched myself compartmentalize and laser in on the things that must be done, pushing the reality and the associated grief aside. Oh, but the grief is there. The edges of the box I have shoved it in are starting to break apart. It’s coming for me.

Choosing to feel and not just jump into doing to fill the time and try to manage the uncertainty is going to be hard work. It means acknowledging my own vulnerability and admitting I can’t control the future. Dismissing my feelings because I have no control means I lose the capacity to learn and grow from the experience. I may not be able to do anything to change what is happening, that is true. But I can do the work to accept it, honor my experience, and allow myself to process the trauma.

So, what I am going to do now is be. It’s going to be hard work to undo the habit of rushing to find the next thing. I’m hoping that choosing to be, to feel and heal may open possibilities for me to engage in and contribute to the world in a new way on the other side of this.

I know that sometimes I will hear the voice in my head telling me “if you just do something, you’ll feel better.” This can be true depending on the intention behind the doing, and I trust that I will know when it is time to do. But I believe, and I will let you know if I’m correct, that this time, if I just feel something, I’ll do better.